Tuesday, March 12, 2013

But That's Just the Half Of It

I have a paper due approximately twenty-six hours and thirty-two minutes from now, yet here I am blogging. Guess, old habits die hard? Either that or these habits are indicative of how I honestly feel about this whole post-secondary education thing. Half of me knows that I need it, and other half screams that regardless of that fact, I don't want it.  Which is probably the first time I've ever admitted this, in writing (typing?), or actually at all. I know that getting sort of degree will most likely guarantee that I live a relatively financially stable life, making a living working at some nine-to-five establishment. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, since financial stability is pretty high on my list of priorities in life. With that being said, I don't want to work for the sole purpose of attaining a comfortable life.

I want to make a living doing something exciting and as much as I try to convince myself, that something has absolutely nothing to do with Asian Studies, History or Communications. I like learning about all that stuff, and the interest alone is probably what keeps me going to school semester after semester, but I certainly don't want that to be my life.

The things that I want to be my life (to do in life?), however aren't really traditionally (Asian or not) accepted as careers. I want to do things like draw or design for a living, I would love to be a stylist, a hairdresser and even though I know it's an absolute pipe dream, I honestly would not mind doing something involving music. I feel like these things are what I am truly passionate about; I've taken days off work, off school, off life in general to just draw, to help friends out with outfits, and to sing; the latter being in the comfort and privacy of my own home. Even now as I am completely aware that I'm another twenty minutes closer to having to complete and hand in my paper. I want nothing more than to lock myself in my room, music turned up high, surrounded by all the fashion related reference material that I've been dying to draw.

I probably wouldn't be so hungover this if I didn't know that it is absolutely possible to do these things for a living without any technical training at all. I've seen it happen, and I am so completely in awe of those in my life who fearlessly pursued their dreams and made it happen. And I honestly want that more than anything in life. At the same time I feel like I haven't paid my dues to earn those kinds of opportunities. Yeah I'm pretty good at rescuing the worst of hair days, and the most unfortunate of outfits, but I'm no Riccardo Tisci. I can definitely draw (probably one of my only real confidences in life) but it's not really enough to just be able to draw. I can carry a tune, but we all know how dreams like that end so let's just leave that there. It honestly feels like I've been sitting around waiting for some sort of miracle to happen...

I think these are the moments that I feel the most regret about the choices I've paid post graduation. I ask myself every day why I didn't go to art school, or why I never tried to seriously pursue the things I love most. Sometimes I feel like it's too late, and other times I feel like I have all the time in the world. Today, unfortunately, is not one of those days. Maybe it's time I take a good hard look in the mirror and really try and get my shit together.

Monday, February 18, 2013

Give Your Heart A Break

I want to be in love; and by that I don't mean that pseudo-are we aren't we kind of predicament that I've been known to get myself in to. I want that head over heels, heart caught in your throat, sweaty palms, butterflies in your stomach kind of love. However, I don't want it for all the reasons that might come to mind when a relatively inexperienced twenty-something like myself openly declares their desire for affection. It's not that I need reassurance that I, to some degree, embody some sort of allure when it comes to the opposite sex, that I'm 'aging', that I'm lonely or is this an attempt at catching up to the experiences of my friends.

I want it for possibly the worst of reasons (depending on how you see it.) I want to let someone in, to really let them in (because god knows that I don't let people in at all,) have them know every minute detail about me and vice versa, literally put everything on the line, to just trust someone with all that I am. And then have them completely break my heart. It sounds completely masochistic (not to mention a bit psycho) but I feel like heartbreak is so much more than a severing of relations, it's a test of trust, strength, resilience, understanding, rationale, self-worth, among other things; it's such an integral experience of life. I want to put myself (in every sense of my being) through the trauma and to see if I'll be able to make it out better.

The (very, very, very) few people that know some very deep things about me may vouch for the fact that the tiniest of fractures took place some time ago and I think I would've agreed if this discussion came about even a year ago but in this moment I couldn't disagree more. I feel like the only reason I let myself get momentarily hung up on it was because I felt that a friend had betrayed my trust in the worst of ways. That honestly bothered me (and sometimes still does) more than the fact that everything didn't turn out the way I had envisioned. But the complexities of friendships are a topic for another day...

Anyway, I once read that while it's important to know sorrow, pain, happiness, it is far more important to know one's own sorrow, to know one's own pain, as well as one's own happiness. And it just really really stuck with me. It just makes so much sense when you think about it, how will I ever really understand the lyrics of a song, the plot line of a book or a movie, the experiences of those around me if I have absolutely nothing of my own to use as a point of reference. I'm no better than empty words on a page without them. So with that being said if anyone's looking for a heart to completely obliterate, I've got one and it's all yours.

Monday, September 3, 2012

I'm Still Alive, I'm Still Alive

...So I kinda really definitely totally fell flat off the blogging train...but I've decided to make my comeback (not that you should expect anything fancy pants though.) Just trying to get back into the swing of things, so forgive me if this post (and however many posts that may follow thereafter) are incoherent and all over the place. So the question begs; what's new?

  • Definitely been eating a lot of my own words since I've been away. I'm sure those who know me in real life or have me on twitter have seen or heard me go on incessantly about how i think instagram is for hipsters who won't invest the time or money into DSLRs and that I would gladly shave my big ol' head before I voluntarily go blonde. The reality now is that I have a total of 30-odd photos on my instagram timeline, and after the 13th I'll be a whole lot more blonde. In my defence, the blonde is "necessary" to make the ombre in my hair look more obvious, and less "I got too lazy to do my roots so my hair is half brown half black." As for the instagram thing, I'm just guilty.
  • I have been on the most ridiculous K-Pop kick (hence the use of a lyric from BIGBANG's "Still Alive" as the title to this post,) and no, my sudden interest in K-Pop has nothing to do with "Gangnam Style" exploding all over the interwebs. I literally just got up one day back in January and was like I think I'm going to look up some K-Pop songs. And then it really started to snowball, I'll spare you the useless fangirl details (if you're really interested try and find me on Tumblr and then you'll really know crazy) but as of right now I have $600 put away so I can fly my butt to Anahiem, California this November so that I can catch the BIGBANG Alive World Tour. This could easily top the time I ended up with way too many tickets to Show Luo's Concert in Macau....
  • Also been on a bit of a DIY frenzy as of late, I'm pretty sure the people at my local Michael's recognize me now. All I've been doing is dying, studding, shredding, and cutting anything I can get my hands on. 
  • Experiencing serious separation anxiety. I generally deal well with my friends going abroad, (I mean, I am an adult after all) like when Anthony went to Korea for a few years (mostly because I knew he'd be back within a specific amount of time) but this I cannot take. Anita jetted off to Melbourne indefinitely back in July (as her return depends on various factors including but not limited to money, visa applications, and what not), Vivian moved across the country to Toronto about two weeks ago, and Steph is moving to Whistler for four months this weekend (If you girls are reading this: I MISS YOU!!.) To the rest of my friends, if you love me the rest of you will not make the decision to move far far away until at least one of these girlies come back.
  • Had a bit of a "almost quarter life crisis" the other day...luckily I was alone, but it still wasn't pretty. Neither is being a wet blanket all over this post so I'll stop at that.
  • On a positive note, I got around to reorganizing life lately, and completely cleansed it of frivolous things. My living space is finally the way I want it, and my closet is actually very telling of what my personal style is (versus it being just all over the place before.) Now to get my general organization skills on the same wave length and I'll be set!

Any who I think that it's been a pretty lengthy (albeit sporadic) update, until next time!

Sunday, October 2, 2011

That's What You Get For Waking Up In Vegas

How does a group of girls celebrate their best friends birthday? With a surprise of course! After completely destroying any hopes of Anita had of having Birthday festivities with us, we discreetly made our way up to Whistler, and with the help of Mike; our co-conspirator, broke into their suite and basically began to strategically trash the place.

Balloons? Check.
Poker Chips? Check.
Lingerie all over the place? Check, check, and check!

Sunday, September 11, 2011

I Had The Time Of My Life With You

If you've been a long time reader (if not, then feel free to check out the archives), you'll know that I've been to my fair share of concerts but nothing made me feel the way I felt at the Taylor Swift concert last night. There is something about her presence and the way that everything is orchestrated that makes you feel like she put every ounce of her being into the production. That the entire thing isn't just manufactured my her label. The entire thing was just perfection, and if I could aptly find the words to describe the entire thing I would, but since I can't, let me instead share the pictures with you.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Nothing Ever Changes

So I seem to have fallen a bit (who am I kidding? more like a lot) behind on the blog posts, although I left on a bit of a melancholy note; I have been using my time away from my humble internet abode constructively. What have I may been doing you ask? Well, enjoying the last remnants of Summer of course! In fact, I spent today, the very last day of the summer holidays basking in the glorious heat of the sun on a photo walk with non other than Vivien (who I'm sure you've all grown to know and love), Annie, and my go-to photog guru Wilson. Like all my other photo walks this one also started off with the quintessential shot of Viv's outfit.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Why Are We Pretending This Is Nothing

Really fitting, considering everything that went on last night.